My friend's BIG giveaway! Take a look!

Okay you guys, so here's the deal - an awesome blogger and YouTuber is holding a huge prize giveaway - so check out her blogspot account & follow her if you're interested in winning! Just search for: Storyofmylifesquared.blogspot.com !


The prizes she's including are as follows:

-12 ml Nanette Lepore perfume
-ESSIE mint candy apple
(i have so many backups i decided to give one away)
-OPI Lincoln Park After Dark
-OPI Ate Berries in the Canaries
- Mac Springsheen Blush
-Mac Hue Lipstick
-Mac lip conditioner in Petting Pink
-Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla sugar Body Cream
-Bath and Body Works Sensual Amber Body Cream


=D What are y'all waitin' for? Get right on it!!

xoxo

Out of Place

So yesterday, it hit me that I am looked down upon by the rich folk. 

I went to my boyfriend's cousin's house (who I mistook for his aunt) for this extravagant Christmas party and Jeanette's (his cousin) house was this huge mansion.

Immediately, I felt out of place.

I stepped through the big glass front doors and was instantly homesick. It was as if I'd entered a completely new realm. 

Jeanette's daughter Victoria {Bobby's 2nd cousin}, who I think is my boyfriend's & my age, was just gorgeous and completely flawless and to call her beautiful would be an insult compared to how she truly looks. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like everyone (there were over 30 people there) kept staring me down. I've always hated snooty people, and they seemed to be just that.

Now my boyfriend, Bobby, explained that his cousin and a few other relatives of his had married into wealth, which would explain the magnanimous home and the plethora of cars and toys for the kids and the way the home was decorated and just... everything. 

I remember when Michael (one of Bobby's other cousins) was pretty much grilling me about Bobby's and my relationship, I felt a lump the size of a golfball in my throat and I could feel the color in my cheeks deepen an entire two shades darker and my eyes eventually watered up and I had to excuse myself to go outside and cry. Pathetic, I know.

But that is precisely what happens when I am surrounded by filthy rich human beings. It makes me sick to my stomach, how they think so highly of themselves and so lowly of others. I just could not stand it. I would never want to be part of such a family... if you could even really call it that. None of it felt right to me.

But yeah, that's my lame & somewhat-shortened version of the story. I guess that is all I wanted to lay out there for now. 

Requiem for a Dream

I can't seem to sleep, unsurprisingly enough. 

These thoughts just refuse to leave me alone & it's bugging the hell out of me.

I mean I tried everything: reading a boring book, watching dull infomercials, counting sheep, browsing the lamest internet sites, yet I am not the least bit tired.

Perhaps I shouldn't have taken that "power nap" today... maybe it screwed up my sleeping routine =\ Oh brother.

Well, since I can't get any rest, I thought I might as well write this poem/letter to a certain someone. They know who they are, even though they cannot read this and might never be able to. Here goes nothin'.

So helpless, so blessed

Yet innocent and loving

You have no say in what goes on

Your future is in my hands now

I look to the sky and ask for help

...No answer.

I close my eyes and pray to the Lord for wisdom

Still, I am lost and do not know where to turn

I seek purity and guidance, strength and control

Where now?

To send you away or keep you all to myself

Is a question entirely too huge for me alone

I have months to determine your goings on

So fear not, little one, you're in good hands

And no matter what, you shall always have God

A Seemingly Empty Future

I have a million thoughts running through my head at a million miles per hour right about now. It's hard to truly delve into it all at once, but I might as well try - considering nobody is going to be reading this (I mean come on, I am sure people have better things to do than sit around and read my blogs) Then again... people do somehow like Twitter. So I could be wrong.

Anyway, enough with the random sidenotes, and back to what I was saying.

Lots of things have taken place within a viably short amount of time recently. Some good things, some not too good. One thing in particular is really bothering me. It's been eating away at me for quite some time now, in fact. I have nobody to go to with it except my boyfriend since, well, it concerns him completely - in every aspect. 

I am extremely concerned about what my future holds. I have decided to not return to college spring semester of 2010; rather, I will be looking everywhere for a full time job so I can pay off my mammoth-sized heap of debt in a quicker period of time. 

This makes me even more self-conscious than I usually am, on account of the feeling that I'll be falling behind everyone else.

Then again, I'd only be missing out on one semester. I suppose there wouldn't be that much catching up to do... would there?

Ugh.

So, so much on my plate right now.

It's a ridiculously unthinkable amount of stress. 

Right now, when I try looking down the road to see what my future holds, I see emptiness and sadness. I have no purpose in life right now. No idea what I want to do with myself, or where I'll end up. 

I just need to hope for the best. Right now, that's about all I really can do.